I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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