1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
