You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
