he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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