If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
