I murdered the dance floor call the cops
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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