My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My dick has a subreddit
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
