I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
