i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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