I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
