Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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