i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
