party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
