nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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