What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
