Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
