i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
