Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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