2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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