We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
