Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
