Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
