Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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