You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
