is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I got inside last night via doggy door
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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