That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
