Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
