He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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