Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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