I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
