Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
