someone get that fucking seahorse.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
