Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
