i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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