im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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