im drinking this country out of the recession.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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