You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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