Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
