new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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