just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
