Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
