new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
