sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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