if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
