I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
