I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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