i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
