god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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