I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
