I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
