put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
